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11 February, 2008
The Cloud Within
This is it. I'm letting it out.
And this is not a poem.
Sometimes I don't know what else to feel.
All these feelings are jumbled up together.
I feel so mad,
Yet I feel so blessed.
I feel so helpless. Tired of waiting to be saved from the list of catastrophic events that I myself created.
I feel so careless. Tired of not being perfect. Tired of not thinking smart whenever I'm supposed to. Tired of messing everything up.
I feel so lost. Wait. I'm never lost. Not yet. I have my own compass and a map, I just don't know how to use it.
I feel so weak. Tired of being stepped on. Tired of us being looked upon as a minority by them. And I don't think the word 'family' mean anything to them anymore.
I feel so disgusted. Tired of facing their hypocritical selfs every now and then. Tired of holding onto millions of hope of them changing, but getting our backs stabbed over and over again in the end.
I feel so cheap. Tired of fixing this heart back together again and again and again each time it falls apart.. Like there's never an end to it.
I feel so afraid. Tired of keeping everything inside. I'm afraid of exploding at the wrong place at the wrong time at the wrong person.
I feel so guilty. Tired of not doing anything whenever my loved ones are in the wrong. Tired of not being a good Muslim. Tired of all those failed attempts.
I feel so cheated. Tired of waiting for an answer to nothing. In other words, I'm tired of waiting. Tired of falling for the wrong ones. Tired of falling away.
I feel so stupid. Tired of my dumb assumptions. Tired of getting the wrong messages. Tired of being an effing F-tart.
I feels so tired.
How I wish I were a fucking robot.
I am so full of love.
I am so full of hate.
I am a cloud.
Note to Self:
because the soul is progressive,
it never quite repeats itself,
but in every act attempts the production
of a new and fairer whole.
reminisced;
- 2:30 AM
